Hello. Today is not a good day for me. nothing happened actually, it’s just that my mind and thoughts are messed up including my feelings. i always feel this way but as i grew older the feelings feel more numb and emptier. i couldnt help it, okay? i just cut my hair and had a long, nice shower. i felt cleaned and i decided to revisit this web for stating what i feel.
do you ever feel like deleting every thing that you’ve created or did? i do. and now i feel like deleting all my Instagram posts, my twitter post; every single thing that connected to them. them; my past mistakes, my old acquaintances or ‘friends’. i admit, i wrote all sorts of things indirectly to make feel my hatred, my jealousy, i dont know. but i do need for them to feel something for me. for them to feel “well, that serves me right in the face. she’s such a bitch” did i do well? i dont know. sometimes i feel He is not being fair. me, always has the worse luck. while them, can do whatever they wanted to do. they had all the money, the glory and the fame.
i feel harassed, unfair, anger, hatred, jealousy and guilt. guilt because i let my parents down. every day when i want to go somewhere i’ll always hope i dont meet any of my dad’s friends. this anxiety, this panic i have in me, gosh i dont know how to describe it. it feels like shit. i was embarrassed that i’m such a messed up kid, i regretted it alot. can someone make me forget? this flashbacks is ridiculously messing with me. i hate myself. why the fuck i cant do anything better? i could barely breathe.