cut my hair: feels

Hello. Today is not a good day for me. nothing happened actually, it’s just that my mind and thoughts are messed up including my feelings. i always feel this way but as i grew older the feelings feel more numb and emptier. i couldnt help it, okay? i just cut my hair and had a long, nice shower. i felt cleaned and i decided to revisit this web for stating what i feel.

do you ever feel like deleting every thing that you’ve created or did? i do. and now i feel like deleting all my Instagram posts, my twitter post; every single thing that connected to them. them; my past mistakes, my old acquaintances or ‘friends’. i admit, i wrote all sorts of things indirectly to make feel my hatred, my jealousy, i dont know. but i do need for them to feel something for me. for them to feel “well, that serves me right in the face. she’s such a bitch” did i do well? i dont know. sometimes i feel He is not being fair. me, always has the worse luck. while them, can do whatever they wanted to do. they had all the money, the glory and the fame.

i feel harassed, unfair, anger, hatred, jealousy and guilt. guilt because i let my parents down. every day when i want to go somewhere i’ll always hope i dont meet any of my dad’s friends. this anxiety, this panic i have in me, gosh i dont know how to describe it. it feels like shit. i was embarrassed that i’m such a messed up kid, i regretted it alot. can someone make me forget? this flashbacks is ridiculously messing with me. i hate myself. why the fuck i cant do anything better? i could barely breathe.

princess of hope

I know a girl. Her life is ; just like everybody – normal.

but how normal is our life? all of us has been at the stage where we felt all sorts of things. same goes to her. she was born as the only daughter in the family. she has two big brother. her parents is a teacher.

at the time she was born, everyone loves her. she was brought into a spoiled brat at some point. she was treated like a princess. she always gets what she wanted. a passsive girl, she doesnt talk much. half of her life ; she was sheltered.

that spoiled princess is also a lonely girl, eventhough she gets everything, but what she really wanted was to not feel lonely. she hated when she feels that way.

the princess who is sheltered, her brother hates her because they felt like their mother loves her more. she grew up experiencing hatred. but she loves her bothers but she is just spoiled and also doesnt know how to interact. her brothers are the people who has a lots of friends. that is like the total opposites of her

she learned to adapt to loneliness. she bought books, to learn about the world, eventually she wanted to experience the world on her own. she rebels. a princess wanted to get out of the castle. to never feel loneliness again. she went out but she feels so awkward. she doesnt how to interact, how to socialize like any other normal kids. she is not a fun girl.

then she makes it her aims – to become fun. fun. fun. thats all she wants. she wanted fun. she fits in a group where a lots of drugs, alcohols, parties ; the cool kids. the cool kids lets her experience about a lot of things. she loves the attentions she got. she also seeks a true friend who will always be with her ups and downs. she seeks in her ‘ cool kids’ group. she thinks she found them but actually they were just a wolf in sheep disguise. she learns life through that. she felt like a state of recession/depression in her life.

the only she wanted at the end was someone whos undestands her and will never leave her – because she is a princess who is a afraid of sudden changes. she felt a phobia growing in her. she wish she is like any other person -normal. with no mental breakdown at the end of the day. who is going through a fantastic life. but then she also thankful that she gets to experience all this things. it shape to be who she is now; a realistic, cynical, skeptical girl. also a girl who is hoping for something; seeking something, to fill empty hole in her heart. she stills hold close on her hope. even she is a realist, she stills dreams, fantasizes about things. even she is cynical/ skeptical, she stills wants to believe in one thing. it just that her exterior but her heart says a different things.

it is sort of a defense mechanism. she is afraid to be hated, she is afraid to be ignore, she is afraid she’ll become her worst nightmare. she is just a princess with so much hope.

the great gatsby

Hey, it’s been 2 years! it’s 2016 now. I’m 19 and in semester¬†2 for foundation of law. can i say that I’ve been busy? well yeah.

what do you think about The Great Gatsby? for me, it is quite good. Leo’s character in it is fantastic. I’ve fallen in love watching you, Mr. Gatsby.

Among their torrid love affairs, corruptions, hurts, loves ; basically it is just a slice of life. where people encounter this daily, i guess. for me Nick Carraway is one of the cowardest character in it. why wont he says anything if he knows everything? Well he knows Thomas is cheater and a manipulative person. He should at least do something to make a situation clear. At least one thing. But he doesnt. Well after all that, i think it was an okay movie. I love the characters there tho, oh! and also their customs are one of the best.

 

Insecurities and sad

It’s true when you said lifes could change in nanosecond. Why? Its all fun from the beginning but then sad towards the end. I’m insecure. Am i not pretty enough or not girlish enough? Should i change myself? That feeling of sadness. I couldnt get over that feelings. Feels like crying but no, i wont cry. Im really saaaaaad. Haih. How can my day change this way? Or is it my fault that my life is like this? Fuck. I observe everything but then …. How could i say something? I couldnt say anything. I am girl. I do get affected. Im sorry if im this way. Sad.

Key to my heart

Solero ice-cream. It looks kinda popsicle-like but it’s an ice-cream. Lime on the outside and vanilla-kinda taste cream on the inside. It left a sour-sweet taste on your tongue. It’s my favorite. I like it. And i love people buying it for me. U will steal my heart with it. Yums!

I think I’ve found my favorite dishes

Masakan kampung is the best!

For the people who live in the city will never get a taste of kampung life. I’m from kampung.

Kampung ; suburban area, definitely does not have a city lifestyle .

I’m not sure if i’m ashamed of where i am from. I mean come on, kampung has the best food. Maybe yeah we do not have Pavillion , Zouk , or The Hill KL. It is kinda okay with me. I’m born and raised here.

Okay, straight to point here, my favorite dishes for today are … *drum roll*

White rice with fish curry, eggplant & pineapple pajeri , maman pickles and fried kembung fish. plus chocolate ice-cream to finish it off! Haha very manglish la. I am a malay, whaaaat .

I might post a recipe on here, heh. Anyways, bye!